Mall Realizations

After spending a multitude of hours in the mall I have come to several realizations about life, the universe and everything.

1. I hate teenagers, it may comfort them to know this: None of you are cool, so please stop trying. It is just embarrassing to the species. You are all gangly, clumsy idiots. The sooner you embrace this fact, the better for all of us.
2. No matter where you go there are fat girls in belly shirts. This needs to stop. Seriously.
3. Even old conservative republicans who voted for Bush, now hate Bush. I only wish it was comforting to say I told you so.
4. Another note on teenagers. Get a life. Do you really have nothing better to do on a Sat night than walk or run around in circles in the mall until you get kicked out at closing and then hang out at the exit of the mall hoping some girl will have sex with you if you make fun of her? When I was a kid performed valuable learning exercises like the the combined effects of hallucinogens and bicycles.
5. I don't ever want to be the old guy who spends every day at the mall wandering around because he has no family and nothing else to occupy his time. Seriously if you see me wandering around the mall everyday when I am 80, please just shoot me.
6. Also if you ever see me dressed as a security guard at the mall, or walking around with a broom and a dustpan. Please shoot me, rush me to the hospital so they can resuscitate me. Make sure I have a pulse and then shoot me again.
7. I really do not know how any of these shops stay in business. They must all be fronts for some sort of mafia operation because they hardly ever have any customers. If the malls are any sort of indicator for the American economy at large I would sell all of your stocks and invest in China. In fact if the daily news is any sort of indicator I would recommend the same.
8. Did you know they now have electronic caricature artist machines? This is just creepy on some level. I'm not sure why. It just is.
9. OK, if your child is big enough to put it's feet down and bring the stroller you are pushing to a halt, it is time for their fat ass to get out and walk.
10. If your child is throwing themselves on the floor screaming and crying. Do not continue to stroll along window shopping and ignoring them while the rest of us have to endure their cries of misery. Please put your child up for adoption and shoot yourself. You are not fit to be a parent. I just saw you pushing him by two hours ago stuffing a soft pretzel, an ice cream and a soda in it's face. Now it is all cracked out on sugar and caffeine and suffering neurological damage from being forced to spiral around in the unholy vortex of a mall for three hours. Do not escalate things further by screaming at your kid. The child is having a perfectly normal and logical reaction to the fucked up situation you have placed it in. Please leave the mall, go get some fresh air and stop pumping your kid full of junk. Next time consider saving some money and going for a walk in the park, maybe look at some trees instead of half sized belly shirts that you simply do not belong in.

And this weeks fashion prize goes to the fat girl in flip flops and sweat pants brandishing the t-shirt emblazoned with the words "IF YOUR RICH, I"M SINGLE"!

P.S. No offense to all of the fat bottom girls out there. You are all beautiful in your own way. Unless your way involves a belly shirt, that's all I'm saying.

BLING BLING

BLING



Bling

2 years in the making

So My New Best Friend and I just celebrated 2 years of glorious wedded bliss. Really it has been awesome. We had a week off starting the day before our anniversary so we stayed up north a couple extra days and made a couple trips into NYC. We visited with my old bud "Dave the super drum bucket rabbi" and his wife Rita and their small offspring Ilana. They live in the east Village where all the cool stuff is anyway. So we checked out their apartment and Dave showed us his dunny collection. He also directed us to an all vegetarian Thai restaurant across the street from his house called PUKK. I had the protein duck and MNBF had something else. It was super delish!!! I also ordered the special gay martini and toasted to our cats. Yummy Yum Freshmmmm!

Afterwards we went back up to Dave and Ritas crib and gave Ilana a build a bear we made for her at the shop on 5th ave. Actually we made a build a cat and put one of those little baby laughing noise boxes in it, which are actually quite terrifying and not cute at all. But I knew Dave would appreciate it.

Then they took us to a place I can't remember the name of, but we were assured it had the best italian deserts. So we got some scrumptious little edible doo dads and proceeded to consume them heartily. Ilana just held on to hers forming a gelatinous mess in her little fingers while shouting "WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA" with every step. This is the preferred method of enjoying a scrumptious little doo dad for a toddler.

We then went to a performance a few blocks over at John Zorn's space The Stone and saw a quartet comprised of piano, cello, violin and drums. They proceeded to bend their instruments into perverse balloon animals and then drag them through a manic depressive ballerina's bad dream. It was an interesting display of "far out" classical jazz noise. The cello player was especially fun to watch as he was very cartoonish and several times it seemed that his head was going to explode. I think Anilia was actually terrified by him and is currently seeking therapy to work through this difficult trauma.

We wandered around the village some more and stopped for some coffee then called it a night and drove back to our hotel to be greeted by a bounding bouncy doggie.

Sunday was our actual anniversary and we headed back to NYC for the day, this time opting to take the bus instead of driving in.

We hopped the subway over to Canal street to tool around Chinatown. Somewhere along the way it became Little Italy and we stopped and had lunch in a nice little restaurant which also had very good food and not so bad house red wine. We then proceeded to wander around the city through SOHO and did a little shopping. I got a new pair of sketchers. They are blue and a soccer-bowling combo style. We wandered into some artists studio that was painted all up on the outside and I have to say the painted up outside was the best looking thing in the studio.


We wandered around for a while having no idea where we were and eventually ended up back over near Dave's apartment. We were accosted on the street by a struggling comic who convinced us to come into the basement of a club called the Lantern to watch a free show and drink $3 pints. So we did. It was OK some of the comics were pretty funny, others not so much but none of them sucked. Ok the last fat guy sucked but the rest were pretty good at the jokes. We continued our blind wandering in search of desert and ended up in a little coffee shop called Cafe Vivaldi.. I think. We had excellent Tiramisu. Also there was a quartet of piano, violin, brass clarinet and vocals performing some traditional Russian tunes which was very nice. That about wrapped up our anniversary in NY and we headed on back to our hotel.

Monday we drove back to Baltimore... TO BE CONTINUED.

People in the mall miss the sun.

People in the mall miss the sun.



We don big sunglasses in remembrance of the ball of furry than once simmered the sky above our heads.
Before we built it over with drywall.
Installed odd colored lighting and surround sound intercom dementia.
Dug tunnels underground to parade our silicone parts and wares.
Built digital displays of dysfunctional divas.



On Thursdays we gather round the grand food court to stare up through the glass at the sun.
We wait with tacos and pizza in hand.
We talk loudly into our cell phones.
Asking the sun where it has gone.
Why it has not called us back.
An emo boy checks his LED belt buckle for the weather forecast.
Wipes a greasy hand through tri colored hair and sighs.
A single string of cheese stretches from his hand down to hovering just above the floor.



It wavers back and forth in a dull stale breeze.



People in the mall miss the sun on our thirty minute lunch break.
Some stopped bothering to look a long time ago.
Others still hope, but give into their hunger and look down to eat instead.



Today it has snowed and the glass is smeared over with grey slushy disappointment.
Neman Marcus puts seasonal affective disorder on sale.
Free with the purchase of a single red shoe.
Women crumple their face into a glitzy handbag and trudge into the snow.
One foot in glossy red fashion.
One foot in the grey.
Sexy asses swaying in the icy past.
A mere moment ago.



People in the mall miss the sun as they head home at night.
But the sun has better places to go shopping than you.

Driving with Shingles

This started out as a comment on Professional Flosser's blog, but not having blogged in a while it grew into a blog of my own.

You should try hugging a curve at 40 miles and hour in a 30 foot Rv with a trailer swing around behind you like some mechanical misguided scorpion tail trying to sting itself in the face as mountains rise up and wrap around you. Faster and faster you go working your way to the top where rock cuts into the sky like some ancient indian bat signal and then you see it. A sign. A message from the gods.

A big red barn with a black roof in bold white letters proclaiming:
ROCK CITY

And then you think to yourself. How many years has nature patiently coddled and crafted this wondrous conglomerate? And then, How the fuck am I going to get back down off this mountain in this monstrous contraption.

But that was before. Now It's zipping around the spaghetti bowl of dirt and debris know as NEW JERSEY. The RV has been downsized to a van. The trailer has grown to double it's size. The hotel's are nicer. 3 days of driving from Miami to Jersey watching palm trees melt away to pine trees as a rash develops on my leg. Here we eat bagels. The women are icons of plastic beauty super sex toys constantly in rout to somewhere else. It's cold but not as cold as it should be which makes everyone smile nervously and look the other way. The president speaks but no one has time to listen. Reporters highlight the roast beef dinner served to lull them asleep. All the gas pumps are full service. Caught up in the hustle and bustle I rebelliously hop out and pump my own gas without realizing what I have done. The gas attendant says nothing because this is Jersey and he knows better than to mess with someone who wears a hat like mine. Small and black like the old men and gangsters wear. There is no ethanol at the pump so I fill the tank with coffee and insults and zip off into traffic. Must get to the mall.

The Mall.

Where all roads lead. Once it was a forest or a field. Now another smear of humanity drug across the earth like some sick scribbling. As my own body deteriorates and another year goes by. One more strip mall built on my thigh. Endless construction on a parkway that never gets completed but always is expanding and belching and engulfing itself. Spewing forth black and tar plumes and litigious policy into a recycled atmosphere. I stare at the Victoria's Secret window trying to pick out the mannequins from the consumers. Video loops of models in underwear scroll by continuously which is almost arousing. Except that I have this rash on my leg which even imagined women in fantasies look at nervously. So instead I stare and think one side is pink for little cute girls, one side is red and black for naughty girls. Somewhere in the middle is a bored cashier chewing gum and pushing buttons on her sidekick. My wife is a hundred miles away in a doctors office. I am at the mall talking to senior citizens as they walk by and snicker at the victoria's secret girls, sharing a secret of their own. Together we are all driving on our own little highways, tangled and crossing over and under and through each other. Eventually we all drive with one blinker on, half on the shoulder. As our cars get rustier and our need for speed yeilds to an appreciation of the scenery.

Meanwhile the presidents debate Ethanol vs. Jesus. Rowe vs. Waldo. One day we will find a place to park, perhaps in Florida or Puerto Rico. Until then we will drive to the next mall.

Back from da Bahamas

It's been a while since my last post. So I'd like to take this time to apologize to everyone who I know has spent the last couple weeks glued to their computer monitors, unblinking with a small strand of drool running down onto their keyboard in expectant anticipation. Take a deep breath, rub your eyes and wipe that nasty slobber of your face... the new blog posting has arrived.

As you might remember we were heading off to the Bahamas for some fun in the sun. We flew out in two jumps from Dulles to Miami where we switched to Bahamas Air to fly into Nassau. We were supposed to have about an hour layover but as it turned out they were having a hard time finding a sober pilot the day after new years so it ended up being about a four hour layover. Hey no big deal to us, I mean we are still going to the Bahamas no need to stress over anything. There was one quality human who did in fact have a big problem with this as he had a timely shipment of baseball caps hanging from his backpack which absolutely must get to Nassau before his asshole pills wear off and he mutates back into a normal person. He proceeded on alternating every 20 minutes or so between going up to the counter and yelling at the lady behind the boarding gate counter and then going to the bar and chugging down beers, refueling his angst. Then looking for anyone else waiting that he can bitch to about as an act of drunken camaraderie. Finally they told him they would be happy to call the police and get him on the first plane straight up his own ass if he didn't settle down. This of course sent him away yelling "OH YEAH GO AHEAD AND CALL THE POLICE, DON'T YOU KNOW I DRIVE AN SUV?!?" Meanwhile we all sink down in our chairs because this guy is just making white people the world over look really bad. Sort of like W Bush only with baseball caps instead of cowboy hat.

Finally we do get on the plane and embark on our fantastic journey to fantasy island. Luckily we do not sit near the crazy drunk self centered white guy.

We land a bit later and have lost most of our first day into the crest of evening so no beach time today. We check into our villa which is part of the Atlantis resort and casino. It looks like this:



We stayed in one of the pastel colored villas you see in the foreground. It was pretty nice and the resort is huge they own the whole little island off the coast of Nassau. Which is kind of like Disneyland. They get you on there and want you to stay there and gamble and pay $44 for a sandwich. If we were to go again I would probably stay on the mainland at a cheap hotel on a public beach and go to the local restaurants. But we did get a good deal for the money we paid for the trip. But you can definitely spend an arm and a leg on the resort, best to take a cab and get away where things are only slightly overpriced and not ridiculously overpriced. So we spent the first night just roaming around the casino and resort getting familiarized with the lay of the land and all of its bounty. Fed a few bucks to the slot machine creatures which never cease to hunger and admired the vast array of yachts and fake breasts.

Our first order of business was to go to the grocery store and get supplies for the week so we would not have to spend $44 every time we wanted a sandwich. So we took a cab into town and hit some shops, grabbed some grub and went back to our place. Second order of business laying on the beach and sipping drinks out of a coconut.



It was a little overcast for which we frequently shook our fists at the sky screaming "DAMN YOU DICKFER!" Then the sun would peek out and give us the finger as we were devoured by locusts.

We made a reservation to go snorkeling the next day and were told to show up at the docks at 9am to go out. So we went and the lady at the dock told us to wait on the bench and that they would come and get us. So we wait and wait and wait some more and finally I go out to where the boat is and ask if we are going to be leaving any time soon. And they inform me that they are not going out because we were the only people who booked and it is not worth it to take out just a few people and we can reschedule for noon. They are called Seahorse, they suck, don;t use them. Go on the Booze Cruise instead, it's cheaper and you can snorkel if you want to or even get naked and jump into a school of jellyfish. Needless to say we didn't reschedule as they had already wasted our morning. We went and laid on the beach and drank from coconuts. Some guys got us to sign up to go on the booze cruise for the next day so we planned on doing that.

The next day we were going to go on the cruise but it was a bit chilly and Anilia had a bad feeling so we heeded it and walked across the bridge to the mainland instead and wandered. We saw some great scenery a graveyard and church, the docks with some old rotten sinking ships, the shops downtown and wandered up to the capitol building and an old fort and such. Here's a shot of the church with the graveyard that was pretty neat.



We covered a lot of ground and finally ended up at the fish fry which was a good place to stop and eat so we did. We went dancing that night and had a good old time with the drunken 16 year old girls. Eventually we did have to return home. We had checked out in the morning and had them hold our luggage so we could wander around for a while as we had time to kill before we had to go to the airport. When it came time to go we went back to claim our luggage and they could not find it. We spent a good 20 minutes looking all over for it and getting close to the point of starting to freak out when at last Mel Gibson came to our rescue. Not the white movie star, the black cab driver and in my opinion the better actor. He had our luggage already loaded in his cab. The bellhop had put it there then wandered off without telling us or him so he had been waiting for us to come over and claim our cab while we were searching around for our our luggage. So Mel whisked us off and gave us the grand tour on the way back and never stopped talking about everything from island culture to love advice and was great fun. I highly recommend him if you go to Nassau give him a call to pick you up. He is cab ..886 and his tely is 395-8689.

In other news we have mostly been taking it easy. Have gone and done some yoga and will probably go do some this afternoon. Made my triumphant return to Karaoke to hang out with Dickfer, his Titties and Kroc with a K and sang "All I Wanna Do Is Have Some Fun" by Sheryl Crow. Also finally got to meet Tactical Tina / Habitual Blame Placer who was a lot of fun and krammed a new years kap on krocs head. Have spent time with friends celebrating Sharon's birthday and are getting together with some family on Sat and heading down to Moms on Sunday. Not much longer now before we head back to work on our next contract.

pimpin' in 2006

Last night we decided to get all pimped out for the NYE festivities. I had my outfit all picked out but my brown pork pie hat I like to wear did not match the outfit so we made a run out to try and buy a black stove pipe hat and a tiara for Ful-O-Pep figuring we'd spend about $10 tops. Well we couldn't find a black hat to match my outfit so I ended up getting a brown velvet sports-coat (which Old Biker would appreciate) a new shirt and tie. There were a couple gangsters shopping for sports-coats at the same time and one of them had tried on the brown velvet and really wanted it but it was not his size. But once he saw my sexy fine and humble ass trying it on he decided he wanted it. So as I was taking it off he said "You don't have to put it back on the hanger just give it to me, dog" So I handed him the empty hanger and bought the coat.

Homecoming Queen wore the dress she had worn to her bro's wedding with the addition of a sequin laced shawl thing and some spangly dangly earrings. We were definitely pimpin'.

Jeremy and his date showed up and we were off to the races. First stop... Fraziers. It was lame and kind of depressing. But we hung out there for the midnight stroke then headed off to Sonar to have some fun. On the way we stopped by the sidebar and said HEY to our buddies there, then continued on to Sonar. Two if By Sea was playing so we watched most of their set then went to one of the DJ rooms and danced the night away. Overall it was a fun NYE. Didn't drink too much, got home safe and sound and had a good time. Now we are packing up to get ready to fly out tomorrow.