Been a Long Time Since I Rock N Blogged

It's been a spell since I posted anything here. I've just been too busy to do much of anything lately. Side Kick and I have recently passed our state life & health exam so we are now legal producers, able to sell insurance, mortgages and loans. Whoopie! We also just passed our motorcycle saftey classes and are now licensed to drive motorcycles too. It's been  a pretty intense last couple of months of lots of classes and studying and working and not a whole lot of free time. My stepfather also passed away last month which has been another stress factor which has left us pretty much exhausted. But things seem to be normalizing a bit now.
Side Kick headed out this morning with Old Bike Rider to go to the vintage motorcycle days in Ohio. So they will be out playing with old bikes for a week or so. Should be a blast for them!
I just purchased a cell phone for my mom to help bring her into the modern world of ringtones and public chattering. I'll be heading to her place this weekend to help her out a bit and spend some quality time.
I'm all by myself at the shop today which is nice. I can actually get some work done with no one to distract me. Of course here I am distracting myself with this blog. Oh well. I will try and post something of actual interest soon.

Our New Digs

The past couple weeks have been pretty busy. We have been getting all packed up to move. Our friends Annie & Sean got married two days ago. Boojum was a bridesmaid and the wedding went great. It was at Chase Court which is a really amazing space. Our friend Marc had a baby shower yesterday and it suddenly became summer and got hot as fire. SoWeBo was also yesterday, but we did not have time to attend.

Tomorrow we move into our new apartment and will actually be living without a roommate for the first time since we got married. I mean not counting the last 8 months we spent in an RV or hotel rooms. The new place is in Charles Village and is a pretty sweet apartment. It will be nice to get in there and settle in to our new pad. We both have several job possibilities in the works and are soon starting classes to get licensed in life and health insurance. Also we signed up for motorcycle classes which take place in July.

Looks like we will be camping out at a motorcycle rally with Boojum's folks this weekend. So that should be a blast. Luckily we haven't started new jobs yet, because right now we are just way to busy to work. Of course the money that comes along with that will be needed soon, so I guess we will have to buckle down in the near future.

We won't have internet for a week or so, so I figured I'd slap up a little posty post to say hey we are alive and back in Baltimore and rearin' to go! It's late and I'm tired. My wit is already in bed, snoring like an old cat. I should go join it.

Long Live the King, The King is Dead

The King of Prussia Mall that is. Today is our last day of this mall tour. It is a bit more anti-climatic than the end of our last tour. That is mostly because this tour has been very easy and very boring. The last one had lots of harrowing adventures and ridiculous circumstances which made it more tiring and more work but also more fun. Spending every day bouncing back and forth between a hotel and the mall is just mind numbing. I mean look at this blog. Already I am seven sentences and one fragment in and I haven't said anything interesting or funny yet. Because, my mind has turned into a grey slate of nothingness. MEH

But now the real adventure begins. Where will we work? Where will we live? Can we clean the house by Sunday, when the landlord is bringing people by to look at it? Will we have any money left in a week? Oh and we still have another event to do in NY so while we are packing and looking for work and apartments we have to go do one more event in NY and then drive everything back down to Miami and try to spend a couple days relaxing on the beach while wondering (return to top of paragraph here and repeat until your head explodes)

We do have some interviews lines up so we will see what pans out. This reminds me. I should stop wasting time on MySpace and make a couple phone calls. Gotta go!

Sam's Goodies

Sam Goodies at the King of Prussia mall had a big going out of business sale so I had to go through every CD in the store and look for gems as they were all like no more than $4 a CD.  Here is what I got all for a whopping $47:

Blind Melon, Soup - Pretty good, I've been going through a bit of a throwback to the 90's phase lately  revisiting some of the bands I was listening to in high school during the early 90's, so this fits into that little musical mid life crisis of mine.

Liz Phair, Somebody's Miracle - Also pretty good, not as artsy and innovative as her first album (which also came out back in my high school days). A bit more mainstream, but a good listen and it has nice photos in the artwork which make it worth having the physical CD as opposed to downloading from iTunes. I'm a sucker for cool album art and being a designer, that makes it qualify as a tax write off. It's called research and education. BONUS.

Strung OUT on U2, The String Quartet Tribute - OK I'm also a sucker for novelty cover versions of popular music. This one is pretty good. The older U2 songs lend themselves better to the classical interpretations on this album more so than the more recent ones. Especially I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For. Of course this also plays into my revisiting the music of my youth phase, so I guess there is a common thread, being that all the new stuff was picked off the shelves by the time I got there. A good overall dinner music or background CD.

I Believe to My Soul, Various Artists This is a sort of a "What are they up too now / tribute to the soul masters CD. It features some of the giants of soul from back in the day doing new songs with a tip of the hat to their roots. Not trying to relive the past so much as show what they are writing currently having come from the roots of Soul music. Pretty good, but I definitely have to be in the right mood for it. Nothing really earth shattering here or better than the Hits they carved out in the past. Again good, dinner or background CD, definitely leaning towards the gospel sounding soul roots.

Thrice, VHEISSU This one I pretty much picked up because the album artwork was of a certain style that really appeals to me and is usually wrapped around a CD that I inevitable will like. It is what I guess would be defined as Emo-Core. Melodic and screaming at the same time. It has a lot of the overproduced, over compressed, over layered sound in current popular music that I do not realy care for. But something about it I like. I think I will like this one more after a few listens. After all the artwork never steers me wrong.

Eels, Blinking Lights and Other Revelations, This one is one of the best ones I picked up. I really dig this double album. It is refreshingly different and has a nice melodic and casual feel to it. Highly recommended. Something about it I really connect with, which is refreshing.

Spottiwoode and His Enemies, Building a Road I recognized this one, from a song I heard on WTMD that was decent. I was not overly impressed with this album on the first listen. Maybe it will be better next time, but I'm not holding out hope. The artwork is pretty nice, but not enough to make up for the complete lack of focus on the album. It is a bit too rough around the edges and has all the trademark disappointments of a freshman album that should have been worked on a bit more, or not at all.

Mos Def, The New Danger It's been a few years since this came out and if I recall correctly it was several years in the making. If that recollection is true, this album is a bit disappointing. It has it's moments but is about 50/50 good shit/blah shit. On a side note I really hate when rappers go "uugh, uugh, uugh" I mean come on, write some fucking lyrics what is with all the grunting. They all do this and every time it ruins it for me!!! Rap dammit, like with words!!! You never heard Grand Master Flashing pulling that lame ass shit!

Brad, Welcome to Discovery Park, I always liked their first album so I picked this one up which there was still 50 copies of on the shelves. First of let me just say the lyrics and the vocals in this band are kind of crappy. But beyond that, they do put together some great songs. Their mellow stuff is really where it is at. The more rocking songs are so so, but when they do the low mellow thing it's really nice, barring the lame ass lyrics and the poor vocal execution. Again this is throwing back to my high school years, when their first album came out around the rise of Pearl Jam.

The String Quartet tribute to the Beach Boys' Pet Sounds, Yes, I got two string quartet tribute albums. So what. I told you I was a sucker for this kind of crap. The U2 one is better. Some of these songs come across really nice, but others just do not work in this format. Still this is for my novelty collection, got to take the good with the bad.

NYC Subway, Songs From the Underground, This was another gem. It is all NYC subway musicians and it is up there with the Eels album as the best finds I got from this sale. Very eclectic and every track is damn good. Also highly recommended. It is about half acoustic so you have to be able to appreciate that, but the other half is worth it too even if you don't dig the acoustic solo stuff.

I also have two more that I have not listened too yet....
The Sound of Urchin, The Diamond
and
Super Furry Animals, Out Spaced.

Sleepytime

I found myself in an african village of some sort. It was desert country. A few scattered pieces of brush sprinkled on a barren landscape of dust and sand. Most everyone was wearing redish-orangish-purplish garments, a fiery contrast to their dark wrinkled skin. Many people had bandages and crutches and were in pain. It seemed some uncureable epidemic had been spreading through the village. There was a gathering for a mysterious but expected meeting and everyone had circled around the makeshift village amphitheater. We waited as the murmurs swept through the crowd. It was clear that whatever we were waiting for was not going to begin until the crowd was silent. The murmurs turned to shushes and for several minutes a battle of shushes was waged until finally one superior shush rose up from my mouth and silence overcame the crowd.

Then the music began. Sleepy Time Gorilla Museum began playing their Sleepytime (Spirit is a Bone) song.I crawled under the bleachers and began shuffling through a stack of cards I found. They had the lyrics to the song on them and I was trying to stack them in the proper order as they sang out in the sand.

"Sleepytime
Sleepytime
All you days
All you nights
All you hours numberd
Follow the red line
The black line
The gray line under
Smoking time
TV time
Medicine line
Snack line
Follow the blue line
The green line
The gray line under
Sleepytime
Sleepytime"

A couple verses into it a small girl approached the singer and interrupted him to ask a question. They whispered a hidden exchange in each others ears and the girl shuffled back to report the response to one of the elder women of the tribe. All of the adults wandered away from the concert shaking their heads. Most of the children stayed behind. The band sang on as they moved from the sleepy tones into the louder more intense, building suspense part of the song.

" Spirit is a bone
Bone is a tree
Tree is alive inside of me
Spirit is a bone
Bone is a shape
Shape is a thing
Thing is awake
Spirit is a breath
Breath is a flower
Flower is a tree
Tree is a bomb
Spirit is a bomb
Second is a bomb
Flower is a day
Tree is a year
Bone is a life
Spirit is a bone
Sleepytime
Sleepytime"

I frantically shuffled through the lyrical flash cards trying to keep up. I can never quite remember exactly how this riddle goes. Some of the children are dancing others are just staring in disbelief. The swirling sand is building up around us as the music creeps around our heads.

Suddenly a polyphonic ringtone lifts me out of my sleep and plops me back down firmly on the bed in my hotel room.

Funny how Boojum had just asked me last night if I had been having weird dreams lately. I always have weird dreams. Being waken suddenly seems to help in being able to remember them. I had to pop in the ipod and listen to the song as I wrote this to help me remember how the story went. I couldn't find a link to the actual song anywhere and the myspace "Currently Listening" feature seems to be on the brink. So suffice to say I am listening to Sleepytime Gorilla Museum, Grand Opening and Closing which I highly recommend you all just drop what you're doing right now and go out and buy it.

Well go on, get out of here already.

Bunny Jazz

Today is the final day at White Marsh Mall. Then we are of to the arctic King of Prussia for 2 more weeks of mall bliss. Then we have a week off and one event in NYC (this just in...) before we close out the program.

Boojum wants to go to the New Orleans Jazz festival during the week off because it would be fun to drive to New Orleans and back and then go work an event in NYC and then drive to Miami to close out the program. Silly girl obviously is going through some sort of shoe withdrawal crazy talk. Since we can't afford to buy new shoes, she wants to spend money on a trip to New Orleans and to drive there and back because we have only been driving for 8 months straight so why stop now? UUGH. We have to move, and get jobs silly silly girl. This is all just a ploy to buy new shoes I'm sure of it. But I won't be fooled!

Easter News from the front lines:

We have been set up next to the Easter Bunny display for the past two weeks. This odd human activity involves suburban white mothers lining up en mass to with children dressed up in pastel outfits. They wait their turn to pay large sums of money to place their children into the clutches of a complete stranger in a furry bunny outfit and then jump up and down yelling "PEEK-A-BOO!" and make lots of noise in an attempt to get the children to disguise their uncomfortable terror with a fleeting smile to be captured on digital. They then exchange money for key chains or printouts of the oddly dressed children making unusual facial expressions while sitting on the kid in the furry bunny suit. Many mothers sniff their children's behinds before or after placing them on the bunny creature. Many children are filled with awe and excitement at the sight of the bunny. This often turns to sheer terror once they reach the point of actually interacting with the bunny. Many tears are shed. Many pictures are taken of forced smiles on teary eyed faces. Many children are probably traumatized for life. A few actually seem to enjoy it. People are strange indeed.

This could explain the childrens fear of the Easter Bunny though: THE EASTER BUNNY HATES YOU

Spring, Taxes and the Quest for the IDEAL job.

So spring has sprung and taxes are in the air like wildflowers.

Weather is acting up again like a neglected child.
"Look at ME! I'm hailing!"
Then the next day,
"Look at ME! I'm a freaky windy snow storm!"
Today, apparently satiated, it is mildly pleasant.

In other news we just found out that we owe about $10,000 in taxes this year. YIPPIE! Now it looks like we will be returning back to normal life, broke. Well not totally broke, but almost. We will have to put a large chunk of money into an SEP IRA to avoid having to pay even more taxes which is great for the long term but sucks for the short term as it will leave us with about no money left for right now. And now we have moving costs on the horizon. And I will probably need to get a car again.

SO kicking up the job search a few notches to make sure we are ready to keep the money rolling in as we roll off the road and pull back into "normal" life or something like it.

To that end I have posted my resume online here. I welcome any comments or critique of it, or a job offer.

On Monster they have a spot where you are supposed to fill in what your IDEAL company would look like. My answer:

"One that will pay me ridiculous amounts of money to do fun things. Less than ideal offers will be considered as well."

Mall Realizations

After spending a multitude of hours in the mall I have come to several realizations about life, the universe and everything.

1. I hate teenagers, it may comfort them to know this: None of you are cool, so please stop trying. It is just embarrassing to the species. You are all gangly, clumsy idiots. The sooner you embrace this fact, the better for all of us.
2. No matter where you go there are fat girls in belly shirts. This needs to stop. Seriously.
3. Even old conservative republicans who voted for Bush, now hate Bush. I only wish it was comforting to say I told you so.
4. Another note on teenagers. Get a life. Do you really have nothing better to do on a Sat night than walk or run around in circles in the mall until you get kicked out at closing and then hang out at the exit of the mall hoping some girl will have sex with you if you make fun of her? When I was a kid performed valuable learning exercises like the the combined effects of hallucinogens and bicycles.
5. I don't ever want to be the old guy who spends every day at the mall wandering around because he has no family and nothing else to occupy his time. Seriously if you see me wandering around the mall everyday when I am 80, please just shoot me.
6. Also if you ever see me dressed as a security guard at the mall, or walking around with a broom and a dustpan. Please shoot me, rush me to the hospital so they can resuscitate me. Make sure I have a pulse and then shoot me again.
7. I really do not know how any of these shops stay in business. They must all be fronts for some sort of mafia operation because they hardly ever have any customers. If the malls are any sort of indicator for the American economy at large I would sell all of your stocks and invest in China. In fact if the daily news is any sort of indicator I would recommend the same.
8. Did you know they now have electronic caricature artist machines? This is just creepy on some level. I'm not sure why. It just is.
9. OK, if your child is big enough to put it's feet down and bring the stroller you are pushing to a halt, it is time for their fat ass to get out and walk.
10. If your child is throwing themselves on the floor screaming and crying. Do not continue to stroll along window shopping and ignoring them while the rest of us have to endure their cries of misery. Please put your child up for adoption and shoot yourself. You are not fit to be a parent. I just saw you pushing him by two hours ago stuffing a soft pretzel, an ice cream and a soda in it's face. Now it is all cracked out on sugar and caffeine and suffering neurological damage from being forced to spiral around in the unholy vortex of a mall for three hours. Do not escalate things further by screaming at your kid. The child is having a perfectly normal and logical reaction to the fucked up situation you have placed it in. Please leave the mall, go get some fresh air and stop pumping your kid full of junk. Next time consider saving some money and going for a walk in the park, maybe look at some trees instead of half sized belly shirts that you simply do not belong in.

And this weeks fashion prize goes to the fat girl in flip flops and sweat pants brandishing the t-shirt emblazoned with the words "IF YOUR RICH, I"M SINGLE"!

P.S. No offense to all of the fat bottom girls out there. You are all beautiful in your own way. Unless your way involves a belly shirt, that's all I'm saying.

BLING BLING

BLING



Bling

2 years in the making

So My New Best Friend and I just celebrated 2 years of glorious wedded bliss. Really it has been awesome. We had a week off starting the day before our anniversary so we stayed up north a couple extra days and made a couple trips into NYC. We visited with my old bud "Dave the super drum bucket rabbi" and his wife Rita and their small offspring Ilana. They live in the east Village where all the cool stuff is anyway. So we checked out their apartment and Dave showed us his dunny collection. He also directed us to an all vegetarian Thai restaurant across the street from his house called PUKK. I had the protein duck and MNBF had something else. It was super delish!!! I also ordered the special gay martini and toasted to our cats. Yummy Yum Freshmmmm!

Afterwards we went back up to Dave and Ritas crib and gave Ilana a build a bear we made for her at the shop on 5th ave. Actually we made a build a cat and put one of those little baby laughing noise boxes in it, which are actually quite terrifying and not cute at all. But I knew Dave would appreciate it.

Then they took us to a place I can't remember the name of, but we were assured it had the best italian deserts. So we got some scrumptious little edible doo dads and proceeded to consume them heartily. Ilana just held on to hers forming a gelatinous mess in her little fingers while shouting "WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA" with every step. This is the preferred method of enjoying a scrumptious little doo dad for a toddler.

We then went to a performance a few blocks over at John Zorn's space The Stone and saw a quartet comprised of piano, cello, violin and drums. They proceeded to bend their instruments into perverse balloon animals and then drag them through a manic depressive ballerina's bad dream. It was an interesting display of "far out" classical jazz noise. The cello player was especially fun to watch as he was very cartoonish and several times it seemed that his head was going to explode. I think Anilia was actually terrified by him and is currently seeking therapy to work through this difficult trauma.

We wandered around the village some more and stopped for some coffee then called it a night and drove back to our hotel to be greeted by a bounding bouncy doggie.

Sunday was our actual anniversary and we headed back to NYC for the day, this time opting to take the bus instead of driving in.

We hopped the subway over to Canal street to tool around Chinatown. Somewhere along the way it became Little Italy and we stopped and had lunch in a nice little restaurant which also had very good food and not so bad house red wine. We then proceeded to wander around the city through SOHO and did a little shopping. I got a new pair of sketchers. They are blue and a soccer-bowling combo style. We wandered into some artists studio that was painted all up on the outside and I have to say the painted up outside was the best looking thing in the studio.


We wandered around for a while having no idea where we were and eventually ended up back over near Dave's apartment. We were accosted on the street by a struggling comic who convinced us to come into the basement of a club called the Lantern to watch a free show and drink $3 pints. So we did. It was OK some of the comics were pretty funny, others not so much but none of them sucked. Ok the last fat guy sucked but the rest were pretty good at the jokes. We continued our blind wandering in search of desert and ended up in a little coffee shop called Cafe Vivaldi.. I think. We had excellent Tiramisu. Also there was a quartet of piano, violin, brass clarinet and vocals performing some traditional Russian tunes which was very nice. That about wrapped up our anniversary in NY and we headed on back to our hotel.

Monday we drove back to Baltimore... TO BE CONTINUED.

People in the mall miss the sun.

People in the mall miss the sun.



We don big sunglasses in remembrance of the ball of furry than once simmered the sky above our heads.
Before we built it over with drywall.
Installed odd colored lighting and surround sound intercom dementia.
Dug tunnels underground to parade our silicone parts and wares.
Built digital displays of dysfunctional divas.



On Thursdays we gather round the grand food court to stare up through the glass at the sun.
We wait with tacos and pizza in hand.
We talk loudly into our cell phones.
Asking the sun where it has gone.
Why it has not called us back.
An emo boy checks his LED belt buckle for the weather forecast.
Wipes a greasy hand through tri colored hair and sighs.
A single string of cheese stretches from his hand down to hovering just above the floor.



It wavers back and forth in a dull stale breeze.



People in the mall miss the sun on our thirty minute lunch break.
Some stopped bothering to look a long time ago.
Others still hope, but give into their hunger and look down to eat instead.



Today it has snowed and the glass is smeared over with grey slushy disappointment.
Neman Marcus puts seasonal affective disorder on sale.
Free with the purchase of a single red shoe.
Women crumple their face into a glitzy handbag and trudge into the snow.
One foot in glossy red fashion.
One foot in the grey.
Sexy asses swaying in the icy past.
A mere moment ago.



People in the mall miss the sun as they head home at night.
But the sun has better places to go shopping than you.

Driving with Shingles

This started out as a comment on Professional Flosser's blog, but not having blogged in a while it grew into a blog of my own.

You should try hugging a curve at 40 miles and hour in a 30 foot Rv with a trailer swing around behind you like some mechanical misguided scorpion tail trying to sting itself in the face as mountains rise up and wrap around you. Faster and faster you go working your way to the top where rock cuts into the sky like some ancient indian bat signal and then you see it. A sign. A message from the gods.

A big red barn with a black roof in bold white letters proclaiming:
ROCK CITY

And then you think to yourself. How many years has nature patiently coddled and crafted this wondrous conglomerate? And then, How the fuck am I going to get back down off this mountain in this monstrous contraption.

But that was before. Now It's zipping around the spaghetti bowl of dirt and debris know as NEW JERSEY. The RV has been downsized to a van. The trailer has grown to double it's size. The hotel's are nicer. 3 days of driving from Miami to Jersey watching palm trees melt away to pine trees as a rash develops on my leg. Here we eat bagels. The women are icons of plastic beauty super sex toys constantly in rout to somewhere else. It's cold but not as cold as it should be which makes everyone smile nervously and look the other way. The president speaks but no one has time to listen. Reporters highlight the roast beef dinner served to lull them asleep. All the gas pumps are full service. Caught up in the hustle and bustle I rebelliously hop out and pump my own gas without realizing what I have done. The gas attendant says nothing because this is Jersey and he knows better than to mess with someone who wears a hat like mine. Small and black like the old men and gangsters wear. There is no ethanol at the pump so I fill the tank with coffee and insults and zip off into traffic. Must get to the mall.

The Mall.

Where all roads lead. Once it was a forest or a field. Now another smear of humanity drug across the earth like some sick scribbling. As my own body deteriorates and another year goes by. One more strip mall built on my thigh. Endless construction on a parkway that never gets completed but always is expanding and belching and engulfing itself. Spewing forth black and tar plumes and litigious policy into a recycled atmosphere. I stare at the Victoria's Secret window trying to pick out the mannequins from the consumers. Video loops of models in underwear scroll by continuously which is almost arousing. Except that I have this rash on my leg which even imagined women in fantasies look at nervously. So instead I stare and think one side is pink for little cute girls, one side is red and black for naughty girls. Somewhere in the middle is a bored cashier chewing gum and pushing buttons on her sidekick. My wife is a hundred miles away in a doctors office. I am at the mall talking to senior citizens as they walk by and snicker at the victoria's secret girls, sharing a secret of their own. Together we are all driving on our own little highways, tangled and crossing over and under and through each other. Eventually we all drive with one blinker on, half on the shoulder. As our cars get rustier and our need for speed yeilds to an appreciation of the scenery.

Meanwhile the presidents debate Ethanol vs. Jesus. Rowe vs. Waldo. One day we will find a place to park, perhaps in Florida or Puerto Rico. Until then we will drive to the next mall.

Back from da Bahamas

It's been a while since my last post. So I'd like to take this time to apologize to everyone who I know has spent the last couple weeks glued to their computer monitors, unblinking with a small strand of drool running down onto their keyboard in expectant anticipation. Take a deep breath, rub your eyes and wipe that nasty slobber of your face... the new blog posting has arrived.

As you might remember we were heading off to the Bahamas for some fun in the sun. We flew out in two jumps from Dulles to Miami where we switched to Bahamas Air to fly into Nassau. We were supposed to have about an hour layover but as it turned out they were having a hard time finding a sober pilot the day after new years so it ended up being about a four hour layover. Hey no big deal to us, I mean we are still going to the Bahamas no need to stress over anything. There was one quality human who did in fact have a big problem with this as he had a timely shipment of baseball caps hanging from his backpack which absolutely must get to Nassau before his asshole pills wear off and he mutates back into a normal person. He proceeded on alternating every 20 minutes or so between going up to the counter and yelling at the lady behind the boarding gate counter and then going to the bar and chugging down beers, refueling his angst. Then looking for anyone else waiting that he can bitch to about as an act of drunken camaraderie. Finally they told him they would be happy to call the police and get him on the first plane straight up his own ass if he didn't settle down. This of course sent him away yelling "OH YEAH GO AHEAD AND CALL THE POLICE, DON'T YOU KNOW I DRIVE AN SUV?!?" Meanwhile we all sink down in our chairs because this guy is just making white people the world over look really bad. Sort of like W Bush only with baseball caps instead of cowboy hat.

Finally we do get on the plane and embark on our fantastic journey to fantasy island. Luckily we do not sit near the crazy drunk self centered white guy.

We land a bit later and have lost most of our first day into the crest of evening so no beach time today. We check into our villa which is part of the Atlantis resort and casino. It looks like this:



We stayed in one of the pastel colored villas you see in the foreground. It was pretty nice and the resort is huge they own the whole little island off the coast of Nassau. Which is kind of like Disneyland. They get you on there and want you to stay there and gamble and pay $44 for a sandwich. If we were to go again I would probably stay on the mainland at a cheap hotel on a public beach and go to the local restaurants. But we did get a good deal for the money we paid for the trip. But you can definitely spend an arm and a leg on the resort, best to take a cab and get away where things are only slightly overpriced and not ridiculously overpriced. So we spent the first night just roaming around the casino and resort getting familiarized with the lay of the land and all of its bounty. Fed a few bucks to the slot machine creatures which never cease to hunger and admired the vast array of yachts and fake breasts.

Our first order of business was to go to the grocery store and get supplies for the week so we would not have to spend $44 every time we wanted a sandwich. So we took a cab into town and hit some shops, grabbed some grub and went back to our place. Second order of business laying on the beach and sipping drinks out of a coconut.



It was a little overcast for which we frequently shook our fists at the sky screaming "DAMN YOU DICKFER!" Then the sun would peek out and give us the finger as we were devoured by locusts.

We made a reservation to go snorkeling the next day and were told to show up at the docks at 9am to go out. So we went and the lady at the dock told us to wait on the bench and that they would come and get us. So we wait and wait and wait some more and finally I go out to where the boat is and ask if we are going to be leaving any time soon. And they inform me that they are not going out because we were the only people who booked and it is not worth it to take out just a few people and we can reschedule for noon. They are called Seahorse, they suck, don;t use them. Go on the Booze Cruise instead, it's cheaper and you can snorkel if you want to or even get naked and jump into a school of jellyfish. Needless to say we didn't reschedule as they had already wasted our morning. We went and laid on the beach and drank from coconuts. Some guys got us to sign up to go on the booze cruise for the next day so we planned on doing that.

The next day we were going to go on the cruise but it was a bit chilly and Anilia had a bad feeling so we heeded it and walked across the bridge to the mainland instead and wandered. We saw some great scenery a graveyard and church, the docks with some old rotten sinking ships, the shops downtown and wandered up to the capitol building and an old fort and such. Here's a shot of the church with the graveyard that was pretty neat.



We covered a lot of ground and finally ended up at the fish fry which was a good place to stop and eat so we did. We went dancing that night and had a good old time with the drunken 16 year old girls. Eventually we did have to return home. We had checked out in the morning and had them hold our luggage so we could wander around for a while as we had time to kill before we had to go to the airport. When it came time to go we went back to claim our luggage and they could not find it. We spent a good 20 minutes looking all over for it and getting close to the point of starting to freak out when at last Mel Gibson came to our rescue. Not the white movie star, the black cab driver and in my opinion the better actor. He had our luggage already loaded in his cab. The bellhop had put it there then wandered off without telling us or him so he had been waiting for us to come over and claim our cab while we were searching around for our our luggage. So Mel whisked us off and gave us the grand tour on the way back and never stopped talking about everything from island culture to love advice and was great fun. I highly recommend him if you go to Nassau give him a call to pick you up. He is cab ..886 and his tely is 395-8689.

In other news we have mostly been taking it easy. Have gone and done some yoga and will probably go do some this afternoon. Made my triumphant return to Karaoke to hang out with Dickfer, his Titties and Kroc with a K and sang "All I Wanna Do Is Have Some Fun" by Sheryl Crow. Also finally got to meet Tactical Tina / Habitual Blame Placer who was a lot of fun and krammed a new years kap on krocs head. Have spent time with friends celebrating Sharon's birthday and are getting together with some family on Sat and heading down to Moms on Sunday. Not much longer now before we head back to work on our next contract.

pimpin' in 2006

Last night we decided to get all pimped out for the NYE festivities. I had my outfit all picked out but my brown pork pie hat I like to wear did not match the outfit so we made a run out to try and buy a black stove pipe hat and a tiara for Ful-O-Pep figuring we'd spend about $10 tops. Well we couldn't find a black hat to match my outfit so I ended up getting a brown velvet sports-coat (which Old Biker would appreciate) a new shirt and tie. There were a couple gangsters shopping for sports-coats at the same time and one of them had tried on the brown velvet and really wanted it but it was not his size. But once he saw my sexy fine and humble ass trying it on he decided he wanted it. So as I was taking it off he said "You don't have to put it back on the hanger just give it to me, dog" So I handed him the empty hanger and bought the coat.

Homecoming Queen wore the dress she had worn to her bro's wedding with the addition of a sequin laced shawl thing and some spangly dangly earrings. We were definitely pimpin'.

Jeremy and his date showed up and we were off to the races. First stop... Fraziers. It was lame and kind of depressing. But we hung out there for the midnight stroke then headed off to Sonar to have some fun. On the way we stopped by the sidebar and said HEY to our buddies there, then continued on to Sonar. Two if By Sea was playing so we watched most of their set then went to one of the DJ rooms and danced the night away. Overall it was a fun NYE. Didn't drink too much, got home safe and sound and had a good time. Now we are packing up to get ready to fly out tomorrow.

Pancakes, Yoga and Used Car Sales

We made the journey back home to our place a few days back. This time we found the house in much better shape than our last homecoming. Big thanks to Christopher and Scott for cleaning up and having pancakes and a fire waiting for us on our arrival. We've enjoyed some time visiting with friends, over the past few days. Had dinner with Ful-O-Pep's Jeremy a few nights ago. Went out with Jeremy, Dickfer and visited his breasts spewing milk froth all over the barista cage at Barnes & Noble. We sat and read passages from HOT SANTA over half calf mochas and decaf espressos. We went to Hot Vinyasa yoga a few nights back and are still a bit sore but ready to go back for more tomorrow. And I sold my Jeep. So now we are back to being a 1 car couple. I sold the Jeep back to Carmax for a little more than I still owed on it which worked out just great for me.

We went out last night with Jeremy, Scott & Missy and went to the New Haven Lounge to see some jazz. We had missed being able to go here while away. Unfortunately the band last night I did not really care for. They sounded like the rhythm section and the melody were riding on separate levels of a double decker bus which was slowly being shorn in twain by Santa Clause coming down from a Claratin overdose. Actually it didn't sound anything like that, but it sure was a fun sentence huh? I like free jazz but this was just like they were not at all connected. We left there and went to XS which is a pretentious little club with crappie house music DJ's and lousy service but they have decent food. Finally we left the to go to Club Chuck for a bit which is also pretentious and crappie but instead of food the have lots of cigarette smoke.

Also I got Ful-O-Pep a ring for Christmas. Which is being custom made. So we just got back from the jewelers going over the final details for the design and picked up our bands which we had plated as the white gold was wearing off of them. The new ring will be pretty cool and is designed so that the existing band fits inside of it like a puzzle ring. So now it is New Years Eve and we are relaxing after a nice breakfast at Morning Edition which is not pretentious or crappie and has great food. And you get to be waited on by the best sax player in Baltimore.

Overall 2005 has treated us well personally, though been a pretty bad year on the big picture level of things as far as disasters and politics go. Here's hoping 2006 will bring us all some goodness. In a couple days we will be in the Bahamas so that's a good way to start. Yes I had to rub it in.

Headin' Home and to other far away places

We spent the last few days visiting with my Aunt Ronella, Momma Jo and cousin Ben. We donated lots of food and a razor scooter to their holiday rations. We also went and saw the Chronicles of Narnia which was a pretty good flick. Yesterday we had to pick up the new replacement manager who is taking our place on the next leg of the tour. The drive was a little scary but he only ran one person off the road and was only flipped off by one trucker, that I saw. So they should have fun with him especially as he is one of our manager's brother. Today we officially turned in our RV and all of our set gear for the tour. We are in St Louis and will be flying to Roanoke in the am. We will be spending Christmas at Anilia's folks then driving back to B-more for a week. Next week we are going to the Bahamas for a few days. Then we have a few weeks off before we start our next gig. Life is good if not tiring. And if it is tiring, which it is, it is still good. And sometimes life is a tire swing, but not yet. Soon though, life will be a hammock with a drink served in a coconut with a tiny umbrella ordainment, which also will be good. We are now going to hang out in the hot tub with our bosses, which will at least be interesting, if nothing else.

Things that make you go DOI-OI-OI-OI-OI-OINGGGGG!!

Well we are down to 1 day left working at WALLY WORLD then I never have to set foot on, in or around one again EVER. Today was interesting. We are in Montgomery, ALABAMY. We had 3 reps plus the marketing girl for this state show up today. Last time the RV came through this state they were jam packed with tons of people. So everyone arrived in full force in anticipation of the onslaught of eager consumers. Well it was raining and cold today and we set up outside anyway because we are glad to be in above freezing temperatures. So there we were, ready to deal with the onslaught of eager consumers. Um... OK eager consumers... any minute now... O..N..S...L...A...U...G...H...T...? NO? um OK thats cool we'll just be sitting here in the cold and rainy wind if anyone wants to talk to us. Yep.. Just sitting here...

Ok SO by 10 all but one of the reps have left us and the remaining rep has decided to go inside where all the warm people are. So that leaves me and Ful-O-Pep to our own devices. We had about a grand total of 4 people come to see us during the day which left us plenty of time to brood, scheme and people watch.

First the people watching:

GREETER LADY: She was there from the start and she insisted on every time she found a defective buggy in her line up she would wheel it out and place it in front of our tent. (For you yankees back home a buggy is what they call a shopping cart. No it is not drawn by horses). This started from the moment we were setting up and continued throughout the day despite our continued requests for her to wheel it over to the other side where there was no one to be bothered by it. On a side note I wonder how many times a day she wheels out the same busted up cart and sticks it just outside the entrance only to have it pushed in and abandoned in her vicinity so she can push it back outside again?

GL, Do us all a favor. Destroy the cart, wheel it out back and off a ravine or something. Break the cycle of stupidity.

ALABAMY THUG GANGSTAHS: So I did not know that thug life extended this far south. But it seems every po-dunk town has it's fair share of gangstahs. They come cruising around the lot with their bass cranked up so you can hear their piece of shit car rattle and buzz like a fifty ton vibrator. Also what is the deal with pimping out your POS Plymouth? We saw one car that was all beat to hell painted with primer and had all the windows tinted red. Weird.

ATGs, you do not live in the hood, or the ghetto. You live in the sticks, sorry that's just the way it is. ALABAMY will never be NYC or LA. Which is a good thing otherwise you would be shooting me right now.

CRACK HEAD LADY: She was our first eager consumer today. I found her trying to break into the RV and invited her into the tent. She inquired about the cost of our goody bags. They were free, she took one and was scrutinized by security and management as she left to find something else to try and break into.

CHL, might I suggest a lower profile vehicle to break into. Perhaps one with red tinted windows. Or this wobbly buggy here.

Now the scheming

We have come up with our million dollar money making company.

SMARKETING (click to be redirected our hilarious business plan but the link is dead which is not nearly as funny)

and the brooding

We got to reminiscing over all of the dumb things we have had to do on our adventure, or been told we should or will have to do. We even made a list. Lists are fun and an effective way to organize thinking. Even stupid people can make lists. Here is ours. I'm sure there are more than we remembered here, but lets call these "highlights" in no particular order.

Stupid answers for the stupid situations you've been put in. OR just stupid situations:

1) It is 105 degrees in the tent. The client is telling you to buy another AC unit. You call the office and they suggest buying a couple of fans.

2) It is 0 degrees with the wind chill and the locks are frozen shut. The office suggests lighting a match, heating the key, and sticking it in the lock to melt the ice.

3) It is going to be 11 degrees outside tonight and the RV needs to be winterized. You call to confirm that they are paying to have it done and they want to have a conference call about it. You ask if you should tell the people working on it to stop and let the pipes freeze. The office then decides to pay for it.

4) Your RV has the shakes and you go get the brakes checked. This is not the problem and you send a big long email expounding on the issue and how they have checked the brakes and that isn't what it is. The office calls the next day and suggests you get the brakes looked at.

5) The hitch is only four inches off the ground when we start out in August. We drag it on every entrance and exit of every parking lot from Mo to Tenn before anyone is willing to take responsibility for the problem and let us get it fixed. In Memphis we get stuck in the middle of the street.

6) Iowa in November.

7) Having to find an internet connection every day in the middle of nowhere. Driving a big RV and dragging the hitch on every hotel and Starbucks entrance.

8) Working an extra hour a day after they change our scheduled work hours. Which also results in us having to get up at 5am every day.

9) No days off- ever.

10) Having to deal with poorly designed Excell forms.

And these grand finales just in! Drum roll please

11) Setting up outside in the freezing and snow to 'check in' the tent.

12) Having to pay for our own hotel when we come back and check in.

So yes we are about ready to be done with this tour, if you could not notice. Not to be negative. As they say there is no "I" in "TEAM" but there is an "I" in "IDIOT"

So we will be stopping by my Aunt's on the way back to St Louis. Also we will be picking up our replacement manager in Nashville and making him drive the rest of the way. Hopefully between the snow and ice and the RV'S epileptic convulsions and the fact that he has never driven a vehicle like this, we will make it back in one piece. THEN we get to complete numbers 11 and 12 above.

Somehow all of this made us want to stick a fork in our eye and then flick it with our finger so it goes DOI-OI-OI-OI-OI-OINGGGGG. But enough of that. I have spent way too much time on the computer tonight.

*sways back and forth and falls face first into keyboard*

Memphis to Mississippi

I'd say by far, the best part of this job has been having the opportunity to see places and people we would otherwise have not. Along with this has been making some new friends along the way. Two of these new friends are James and Kim. We met them back when we were en route to Memphis in September. We actually met them in Hot Springs where we went on a day off to get scrubbed and rubbed at the bath houses there. Since we last saw them they have bought a house and invited us to stay with them during our stint in Memphis this time. So it was great to have friends to stay with and save the expense and stress of a hotel or RV park and be able to relax and socialize. They also have a couple dogs Lilo and Charlie and had just gotten a third one named Diego. So being dog friendly we had a nice supply of them to help keep us company.

One night after work Anilia and I were in the bedroom working on computer stuff and making phone calls when we heard sounds of panic and eyeballs from the other room. We ran into the other room and Kim was freaking out a bit that Diego had bitten Charlie and punctured his eyeball. She was all covered in blood which Charlie was squirting about the garage like a furry little super soaker. Anilia came to the rescue and got Kim to calm down and clean up while she got a closer examination of the dog. Now Anilia has had experience with pushing dog eyeballs back into their sockets when they pop out, which does in fact happen sometimes. Usually if you blow into their snout really hard like a birthday balloon.

It turned out that there was no actual eyeball damage, but a bitten ear tip which had gotten blood all around Charlie's eyeball area due to the innate floppiness of doggy ears. At first Kim stuck the dog in the tub to wash all the blood off. But when Charlie got out he just started shaking his head dry and spattering more blood. So Anilia scooped him up and just squeezed his ear and held it for about a half an hour. James was sent to get liquid stitches and after a couple attempts the bleeding was finally stopped. Soon he was chomping on rawhide like nothing had happened and Anilia had made a new furry friend.

The rest of our time in Memphis was pleasant but uneventful. We made dinner a few nights for them and had a good time. Then we headed on down to McComb Mississippi for our next stop. My old buddy Chris from high school lives in Jackson so we got to visit with him for a couple days as well. I haven't seen him in about six years since he got married. He now has a little girl in addition to his wife's daughter. It was fun to catch up and reminisce about old times and note how time has indeed marched along. We got to go to two great performances while there. First we went to my first ever ballet production. It was The Nutcracker. And I must say it was pretty impressive. The production was great as far as the sets and lighting, though the music was canned and too loud. But overall it was a good show.

That night Chris took us to the 930 Blues Club which is an old house that has been converted into a bar. It was really neat small and dirty and filled with a crazy mix of people. The band was really smoking and it was great to see some true nitty gritty down south blues in action.

We just drove back to McComb and a heron almost flew into our windshield on the way! We tried to park the RV for about 15 minutes in a joint effort of miscommunication and frustration before giving up and parking somewhere else. Now we are in our rooms and getting ready for bed. Looks like tomorrow will be the first day that it will be warm enough to set up outside that we have seen in over a month. I just realized that in about 5 more days I will never have to set foot in a WallyWorld again. This is a good thing.

Amoids in Retrograde

Ok this post is two fold.

Here is the first fold:

Yesterday we set up inside the Walmart because it was all cold and such outside. The manager gave us our own special place by the entrance catty corner to the Walmart. I noticed a significant amount of Amish folk shopping in the Walmart which I found to be a little odd. I do not claim to know much about the Amish culture, but I just kind of assumed that shopping at Walmart did not really jive with their way of life. But stranger still I saw several groups of Amish sitting and dining at the McDonalds within the Walmart. Now this made the wires in my head start to fizzle and snap. And then it came to me. The only logical explanation. Amoids. Rebel Robotic Amish Androids are the the only logical explanation. Either that or some sort of invasion of the body snatchers scenario. But I like the android theory better so I am sticking to it.

Ok here is fold numero deuce:

Mercury is in retrograde. Lisa informed us that whenever this astrological event occurs, everything gets all wacky. Well after our evening we had to call her and ask if Mercury was in retrograde. Alas, we we're unable to obtain a suitable cell phone connection to have this conversation because apparently one of the effects of Mercury being in retrograde is all of the electronic devices get their panties in a bunch. But here are a few of the reasons we thought the stars may be getting all jiggy.

First off we had an old guy put our rep in a headlock today. That was just cool and isn't necessarily related in anything else in this post.

We had to go to three hotels before finding a suitable one. Started at a Motel 6 had gone as far as checking in, but forgot to ask if they had wi-fi. They did not, but had been kind enough to hook us up with the Jeffery Dahmer suite which had odd splotches all over the floor that we first thought were roaches, then to our relief realized were only dead hooker stains. We checked back out and went to the next hotel. They had a big banner advertising that they offered free breakfast AND a car wash with your stay. I asked if they had free wi-fi in the rooms, but alas they did not. They did offer dial up for 50¢ a call as long as you had your own provider and laptop. Now I'm no network administrator, but I'm pretty sure that translates into "We have a phone line out and we charge you 50¢ to use it." I saw a Holiday Inn across the street and said OK we are staying there I don't care how much it costs.

So we go check in and it turns our they are having a republican party in the ballroom. Undeterred we go to our room and it looks nice, big bed, clean couch, urine stains on the toilet seat... Wait back up a sec. Yep thats urine all over the toilet seat. Now I am not one to generally complain much, nor am I above wiping some piss off the seat. But I just paid $80 for a room and I don't think I should have to deal with it. So we decide to go to the bar and have a drink and I stop by the front desk and apologize for being "one of those people", but there's piss on our seat and maybe while we are in the bar they could have someone come by and wipe it off. The girl at the desk says she will will change our room. I tell her that's not necessary as that is just more hassle, just have someone pop in and wipe it down, no biggie. So we go have our drinks and Anilia gets a glass of water. We are sipping and chatting and simultaneously look down and realize that her glass is leaking a puddle that is slowly creeping it's way across the table. It was at this point Anilia put the call into Lisa to check on the retrograde status, but being positive her cell phone chose to reach for new levels of suckiness and not function well at all. So we leave the bar and stop by the republican ballroom as we heard they have a carboard cutout of Dubbya in there. The party has wrapped up and we ask the ladies cleaning up if Dubbya is still around for us to play with and maybe take some incriminating photos with. But we are too late, he is gone. We head back to the room expecting to find a sparkly clean toilet seat and to our chagrin it is in the same piss poor state. So Anilia goes back up to the desk to complain some more and this time accepts the relocation to a new room. It is just as nice as the last one and even has a clean toilet seat.

But I think there are some Ahmoids running around with a cardboard cutout of Dubbya looking for a McDonald's to base their revolution out of until this whole Mercury in retrograde thing blows over.

Shibber me Timbers

We were driving the RV to Memphis and had picked up a band of pirates. They were getting all rowdy and swashbuckling around in a frenzy when our manger RSB called. Someone had called in that we were cruising around appalachia with an RV of rowdy pirates swerving around the road and firing canons at enemy tractor trailers. "Um, I got a call that you have a bunch of pirates in your RV. Do you know anything about that?" RSB inquires. "No." I lie. "We just picked up a couple guys who were broken down and needed a lift" *away from phone* "Hey can you guys keep it down back there, It's my boss on the phone..." Wait a minute, that wasn't the phone ringing. It's the alarm clock...

That's what I get for watching Star Wars III before going to bed. Ugh - 4:30 am, time to get up to go to the airport. Only got 4 hours of sleep... Joel drops us off at the airport. We check bags get to security and realize I accidentally typed in Anilia's maiden name when I bought the tickets so her ticket says MAIDEN NAME and her ID says MARRIED. You'd think I'd remember we were married by now and that she changed her name. Luckily the lady lets us through security without too much of a fuss mostly because her name is unusual and not BETH or JANE. Oh and it is her birthday today. (Anilia's not the security chick, well maybe hers too. How would I know...) Later I realize that I have her old passport with us too which does have her maiden name on it. But we don't have to go through security anymore so it is a non-issue.

We get to our layover in Chicago to find that the way finding signs there were all designed by dyslexic Chinese children, then poorly translated by middle eastern customer support phone operators and finally randomly hung up around the airport by retarded baboons who have escaped from substance abuse research labs. Eventually we find our terminal and that our flight has been delayed. Anilia plops down on the floor and I go and fetch us a salad. I bring it back and in my eagerness to please, I pop open the plastic container. The top half of the salad goes splattering onto the floor, leaving a plastic tub of lettuce and two chick peas in my hands. A flight personnel lady immediately appears to see which of the retarded baboons is running lose around the airport flinging salad around like it's Feces Friday. I apologize and she assures me it's ok with the same look I imagine she gives the little kids who just peed their pants in seat 16F.

We sleep most of the flight into St. Louis. Go collect our bags and hop in a taxi. As usual we get the taxi driver who happens to be celebrating his first day in the country and we have to tell him how to get to where we are going even though we are not from here. We get to the RV dealer to pick up our RV and they have not retrieved it from where it has been repaired yet. SO a couple hours later we finally get our RV back and drive a couple more hours to Columbia. Now we have just eaten at a brand new Ruby Tuesday and checked into our RV park. Thoroughly exhausted we are ready for bed. Tomorrows forecast is a high of 36 with a 30 percent chance of snow tonight. Looks like we will be setting up inside again. Luckily we have a vast supply of matches should our locks ice up.