Back from da Bahamas

It's been a while since my last post. So I'd like to take this time to apologize to everyone who I know has spent the last couple weeks glued to their computer monitors, unblinking with a small strand of drool running down onto their keyboard in expectant anticipation. Take a deep breath, rub your eyes and wipe that nasty slobber of your face... the new blog posting has arrived.

As you might remember we were heading off to the Bahamas for some fun in the sun. We flew out in two jumps from Dulles to Miami where we switched to Bahamas Air to fly into Nassau. We were supposed to have about an hour layover but as it turned out they were having a hard time finding a sober pilot the day after new years so it ended up being about a four hour layover. Hey no big deal to us, I mean we are still going to the Bahamas no need to stress over anything. There was one quality human who did in fact have a big problem with this as he had a timely shipment of baseball caps hanging from his backpack which absolutely must get to Nassau before his asshole pills wear off and he mutates back into a normal person. He proceeded on alternating every 20 minutes or so between going up to the counter and yelling at the lady behind the boarding gate counter and then going to the bar and chugging down beers, refueling his angst. Then looking for anyone else waiting that he can bitch to about as an act of drunken camaraderie. Finally they told him they would be happy to call the police and get him on the first plane straight up his own ass if he didn't settle down. This of course sent him away yelling "OH YEAH GO AHEAD AND CALL THE POLICE, DON'T YOU KNOW I DRIVE AN SUV?!?" Meanwhile we all sink down in our chairs because this guy is just making white people the world over look really bad. Sort of like W Bush only with baseball caps instead of cowboy hat.

Finally we do get on the plane and embark on our fantastic journey to fantasy island. Luckily we do not sit near the crazy drunk self centered white guy.

We land a bit later and have lost most of our first day into the crest of evening so no beach time today. We check into our villa which is part of the Atlantis resort and casino. It looks like this:



We stayed in one of the pastel colored villas you see in the foreground. It was pretty nice and the resort is huge they own the whole little island off the coast of Nassau. Which is kind of like Disneyland. They get you on there and want you to stay there and gamble and pay $44 for a sandwich. If we were to go again I would probably stay on the mainland at a cheap hotel on a public beach and go to the local restaurants. But we did get a good deal for the money we paid for the trip. But you can definitely spend an arm and a leg on the resort, best to take a cab and get away where things are only slightly overpriced and not ridiculously overpriced. So we spent the first night just roaming around the casino and resort getting familiarized with the lay of the land and all of its bounty. Fed a few bucks to the slot machine creatures which never cease to hunger and admired the vast array of yachts and fake breasts.

Our first order of business was to go to the grocery store and get supplies for the week so we would not have to spend $44 every time we wanted a sandwich. So we took a cab into town and hit some shops, grabbed some grub and went back to our place. Second order of business laying on the beach and sipping drinks out of a coconut.



It was a little overcast for which we frequently shook our fists at the sky screaming "DAMN YOU DICKFER!" Then the sun would peek out and give us the finger as we were devoured by locusts.

We made a reservation to go snorkeling the next day and were told to show up at the docks at 9am to go out. So we went and the lady at the dock told us to wait on the bench and that they would come and get us. So we wait and wait and wait some more and finally I go out to where the boat is and ask if we are going to be leaving any time soon. And they inform me that they are not going out because we were the only people who booked and it is not worth it to take out just a few people and we can reschedule for noon. They are called Seahorse, they suck, don;t use them. Go on the Booze Cruise instead, it's cheaper and you can snorkel if you want to or even get naked and jump into a school of jellyfish. Needless to say we didn't reschedule as they had already wasted our morning. We went and laid on the beach and drank from coconuts. Some guys got us to sign up to go on the booze cruise for the next day so we planned on doing that.

The next day we were going to go on the cruise but it was a bit chilly and Anilia had a bad feeling so we heeded it and walked across the bridge to the mainland instead and wandered. We saw some great scenery a graveyard and church, the docks with some old rotten sinking ships, the shops downtown and wandered up to the capitol building and an old fort and such. Here's a shot of the church with the graveyard that was pretty neat.



We covered a lot of ground and finally ended up at the fish fry which was a good place to stop and eat so we did. We went dancing that night and had a good old time with the drunken 16 year old girls. Eventually we did have to return home. We had checked out in the morning and had them hold our luggage so we could wander around for a while as we had time to kill before we had to go to the airport. When it came time to go we went back to claim our luggage and they could not find it. We spent a good 20 minutes looking all over for it and getting close to the point of starting to freak out when at last Mel Gibson came to our rescue. Not the white movie star, the black cab driver and in my opinion the better actor. He had our luggage already loaded in his cab. The bellhop had put it there then wandered off without telling us or him so he had been waiting for us to come over and claim our cab while we were searching around for our our luggage. So Mel whisked us off and gave us the grand tour on the way back and never stopped talking about everything from island culture to love advice and was great fun. I highly recommend him if you go to Nassau give him a call to pick you up. He is cab ..886 and his tely is 395-8689.

In other news we have mostly been taking it easy. Have gone and done some yoga and will probably go do some this afternoon. Made my triumphant return to Karaoke to hang out with Dickfer, his Titties and Kroc with a K and sang "All I Wanna Do Is Have Some Fun" by Sheryl Crow. Also finally got to meet Tactical Tina / Habitual Blame Placer who was a lot of fun and krammed a new years kap on krocs head. Have spent time with friends celebrating Sharon's birthday and are getting together with some family on Sat and heading down to Moms on Sunday. Not much longer now before we head back to work on our next contract.

pimpin' in 2006

Last night we decided to get all pimped out for the NYE festivities. I had my outfit all picked out but my brown pork pie hat I like to wear did not match the outfit so we made a run out to try and buy a black stove pipe hat and a tiara for Ful-O-Pep figuring we'd spend about $10 tops. Well we couldn't find a black hat to match my outfit so I ended up getting a brown velvet sports-coat (which Old Biker would appreciate) a new shirt and tie. There were a couple gangsters shopping for sports-coats at the same time and one of them had tried on the brown velvet and really wanted it but it was not his size. But once he saw my sexy fine and humble ass trying it on he decided he wanted it. So as I was taking it off he said "You don't have to put it back on the hanger just give it to me, dog" So I handed him the empty hanger and bought the coat.

Homecoming Queen wore the dress she had worn to her bro's wedding with the addition of a sequin laced shawl thing and some spangly dangly earrings. We were definitely pimpin'.

Jeremy and his date showed up and we were off to the races. First stop... Fraziers. It was lame and kind of depressing. But we hung out there for the midnight stroke then headed off to Sonar to have some fun. On the way we stopped by the sidebar and said HEY to our buddies there, then continued on to Sonar. Two if By Sea was playing so we watched most of their set then went to one of the DJ rooms and danced the night away. Overall it was a fun NYE. Didn't drink too much, got home safe and sound and had a good time. Now we are packing up to get ready to fly out tomorrow.

Pancakes, Yoga and Used Car Sales

We made the journey back home to our place a few days back. This time we found the house in much better shape than our last homecoming. Big thanks to Christopher and Scott for cleaning up and having pancakes and a fire waiting for us on our arrival. We've enjoyed some time visiting with friends, over the past few days. Had dinner with Ful-O-Pep's Jeremy a few nights ago. Went out with Jeremy, Dickfer and visited his breasts spewing milk froth all over the barista cage at Barnes & Noble. We sat and read passages from HOT SANTA over half calf mochas and decaf espressos. We went to Hot Vinyasa yoga a few nights back and are still a bit sore but ready to go back for more tomorrow. And I sold my Jeep. So now we are back to being a 1 car couple. I sold the Jeep back to Carmax for a little more than I still owed on it which worked out just great for me.

We went out last night with Jeremy, Scott & Missy and went to the New Haven Lounge to see some jazz. We had missed being able to go here while away. Unfortunately the band last night I did not really care for. They sounded like the rhythm section and the melody were riding on separate levels of a double decker bus which was slowly being shorn in twain by Santa Clause coming down from a Claratin overdose. Actually it didn't sound anything like that, but it sure was a fun sentence huh? I like free jazz but this was just like they were not at all connected. We left there and went to XS which is a pretentious little club with crappie house music DJ's and lousy service but they have decent food. Finally we left the to go to Club Chuck for a bit which is also pretentious and crappie but instead of food the have lots of cigarette smoke.

Also I got Ful-O-Pep a ring for Christmas. Which is being custom made. So we just got back from the jewelers going over the final details for the design and picked up our bands which we had plated as the white gold was wearing off of them. The new ring will be pretty cool and is designed so that the existing band fits inside of it like a puzzle ring. So now it is New Years Eve and we are relaxing after a nice breakfast at Morning Edition which is not pretentious or crappie and has great food. And you get to be waited on by the best sax player in Baltimore.

Overall 2005 has treated us well personally, though been a pretty bad year on the big picture level of things as far as disasters and politics go. Here's hoping 2006 will bring us all some goodness. In a couple days we will be in the Bahamas so that's a good way to start. Yes I had to rub it in.

Headin' Home and to other far away places

We spent the last few days visiting with my Aunt Ronella, Momma Jo and cousin Ben. We donated lots of food and a razor scooter to their holiday rations. We also went and saw the Chronicles of Narnia which was a pretty good flick. Yesterday we had to pick up the new replacement manager who is taking our place on the next leg of the tour. The drive was a little scary but he only ran one person off the road and was only flipped off by one trucker, that I saw. So they should have fun with him especially as he is one of our manager's brother. Today we officially turned in our RV and all of our set gear for the tour. We are in St Louis and will be flying to Roanoke in the am. We will be spending Christmas at Anilia's folks then driving back to B-more for a week. Next week we are going to the Bahamas for a few days. Then we have a few weeks off before we start our next gig. Life is good if not tiring. And if it is tiring, which it is, it is still good. And sometimes life is a tire swing, but not yet. Soon though, life will be a hammock with a drink served in a coconut with a tiny umbrella ordainment, which also will be good. We are now going to hang out in the hot tub with our bosses, which will at least be interesting, if nothing else.

Things that make you go DOI-OI-OI-OI-OI-OINGGGGG!!

Well we are down to 1 day left working at WALLY WORLD then I never have to set foot on, in or around one again EVER. Today was interesting. We are in Montgomery, ALABAMY. We had 3 reps plus the marketing girl for this state show up today. Last time the RV came through this state they were jam packed with tons of people. So everyone arrived in full force in anticipation of the onslaught of eager consumers. Well it was raining and cold today and we set up outside anyway because we are glad to be in above freezing temperatures. So there we were, ready to deal with the onslaught of eager consumers. Um... OK eager consumers... any minute now... O..N..S...L...A...U...G...H...T...? NO? um OK thats cool we'll just be sitting here in the cold and rainy wind if anyone wants to talk to us. Yep.. Just sitting here...

Ok SO by 10 all but one of the reps have left us and the remaining rep has decided to go inside where all the warm people are. So that leaves me and Ful-O-Pep to our own devices. We had about a grand total of 4 people come to see us during the day which left us plenty of time to brood, scheme and people watch.

First the people watching:

GREETER LADY: She was there from the start and she insisted on every time she found a defective buggy in her line up she would wheel it out and place it in front of our tent. (For you yankees back home a buggy is what they call a shopping cart. No it is not drawn by horses). This started from the moment we were setting up and continued throughout the day despite our continued requests for her to wheel it over to the other side where there was no one to be bothered by it. On a side note I wonder how many times a day she wheels out the same busted up cart and sticks it just outside the entrance only to have it pushed in and abandoned in her vicinity so she can push it back outside again?

GL, Do us all a favor. Destroy the cart, wheel it out back and off a ravine or something. Break the cycle of stupidity.

ALABAMY THUG GANGSTAHS: So I did not know that thug life extended this far south. But it seems every po-dunk town has it's fair share of gangstahs. They come cruising around the lot with their bass cranked up so you can hear their piece of shit car rattle and buzz like a fifty ton vibrator. Also what is the deal with pimping out your POS Plymouth? We saw one car that was all beat to hell painted with primer and had all the windows tinted red. Weird.

ATGs, you do not live in the hood, or the ghetto. You live in the sticks, sorry that's just the way it is. ALABAMY will never be NYC or LA. Which is a good thing otherwise you would be shooting me right now.

CRACK HEAD LADY: She was our first eager consumer today. I found her trying to break into the RV and invited her into the tent. She inquired about the cost of our goody bags. They were free, she took one and was scrutinized by security and management as she left to find something else to try and break into.

CHL, might I suggest a lower profile vehicle to break into. Perhaps one with red tinted windows. Or this wobbly buggy here.

Now the scheming

We have come up with our million dollar money making company.

SMARKETING (click to be redirected our hilarious business plan but the link is dead which is not nearly as funny)

and the brooding

We got to reminiscing over all of the dumb things we have had to do on our adventure, or been told we should or will have to do. We even made a list. Lists are fun and an effective way to organize thinking. Even stupid people can make lists. Here is ours. I'm sure there are more than we remembered here, but lets call these "highlights" in no particular order.

Stupid answers for the stupid situations you've been put in. OR just stupid situations:

1) It is 105 degrees in the tent. The client is telling you to buy another AC unit. You call the office and they suggest buying a couple of fans.

2) It is 0 degrees with the wind chill and the locks are frozen shut. The office suggests lighting a match, heating the key, and sticking it in the lock to melt the ice.

3) It is going to be 11 degrees outside tonight and the RV needs to be winterized. You call to confirm that they are paying to have it done and they want to have a conference call about it. You ask if you should tell the people working on it to stop and let the pipes freeze. The office then decides to pay for it.

4) Your RV has the shakes and you go get the brakes checked. This is not the problem and you send a big long email expounding on the issue and how they have checked the brakes and that isn't what it is. The office calls the next day and suggests you get the brakes looked at.

5) The hitch is only four inches off the ground when we start out in August. We drag it on every entrance and exit of every parking lot from Mo to Tenn before anyone is willing to take responsibility for the problem and let us get it fixed. In Memphis we get stuck in the middle of the street.

6) Iowa in November.

7) Having to find an internet connection every day in the middle of nowhere. Driving a big RV and dragging the hitch on every hotel and Starbucks entrance.

8) Working an extra hour a day after they change our scheduled work hours. Which also results in us having to get up at 5am every day.

9) No days off- ever.

10) Having to deal with poorly designed Excell forms.

And these grand finales just in! Drum roll please

11) Setting up outside in the freezing and snow to 'check in' the tent.

12) Having to pay for our own hotel when we come back and check in.

So yes we are about ready to be done with this tour, if you could not notice. Not to be negative. As they say there is no "I" in "TEAM" but there is an "I" in "IDIOT"

So we will be stopping by my Aunt's on the way back to St Louis. Also we will be picking up our replacement manager in Nashville and making him drive the rest of the way. Hopefully between the snow and ice and the RV'S epileptic convulsions and the fact that he has never driven a vehicle like this, we will make it back in one piece. THEN we get to complete numbers 11 and 12 above.

Somehow all of this made us want to stick a fork in our eye and then flick it with our finger so it goes DOI-OI-OI-OI-OI-OINGGGGG. But enough of that. I have spent way too much time on the computer tonight.

*sways back and forth and falls face first into keyboard*

Memphis to Mississippi

I'd say by far, the best part of this job has been having the opportunity to see places and people we would otherwise have not. Along with this has been making some new friends along the way. Two of these new friends are James and Kim. We met them back when we were en route to Memphis in September. We actually met them in Hot Springs where we went on a day off to get scrubbed and rubbed at the bath houses there. Since we last saw them they have bought a house and invited us to stay with them during our stint in Memphis this time. So it was great to have friends to stay with and save the expense and stress of a hotel or RV park and be able to relax and socialize. They also have a couple dogs Lilo and Charlie and had just gotten a third one named Diego. So being dog friendly we had a nice supply of them to help keep us company.

One night after work Anilia and I were in the bedroom working on computer stuff and making phone calls when we heard sounds of panic and eyeballs from the other room. We ran into the other room and Kim was freaking out a bit that Diego had bitten Charlie and punctured his eyeball. She was all covered in blood which Charlie was squirting about the garage like a furry little super soaker. Anilia came to the rescue and got Kim to calm down and clean up while she got a closer examination of the dog. Now Anilia has had experience with pushing dog eyeballs back into their sockets when they pop out, which does in fact happen sometimes. Usually if you blow into their snout really hard like a birthday balloon.

It turned out that there was no actual eyeball damage, but a bitten ear tip which had gotten blood all around Charlie's eyeball area due to the innate floppiness of doggy ears. At first Kim stuck the dog in the tub to wash all the blood off. But when Charlie got out he just started shaking his head dry and spattering more blood. So Anilia scooped him up and just squeezed his ear and held it for about a half an hour. James was sent to get liquid stitches and after a couple attempts the bleeding was finally stopped. Soon he was chomping on rawhide like nothing had happened and Anilia had made a new furry friend.

The rest of our time in Memphis was pleasant but uneventful. We made dinner a few nights for them and had a good time. Then we headed on down to McComb Mississippi for our next stop. My old buddy Chris from high school lives in Jackson so we got to visit with him for a couple days as well. I haven't seen him in about six years since he got married. He now has a little girl in addition to his wife's daughter. It was fun to catch up and reminisce about old times and note how time has indeed marched along. We got to go to two great performances while there. First we went to my first ever ballet production. It was The Nutcracker. And I must say it was pretty impressive. The production was great as far as the sets and lighting, though the music was canned and too loud. But overall it was a good show.

That night Chris took us to the 930 Blues Club which is an old house that has been converted into a bar. It was really neat small and dirty and filled with a crazy mix of people. The band was really smoking and it was great to see some true nitty gritty down south blues in action.

We just drove back to McComb and a heron almost flew into our windshield on the way! We tried to park the RV for about 15 minutes in a joint effort of miscommunication and frustration before giving up and parking somewhere else. Now we are in our rooms and getting ready for bed. Looks like tomorrow will be the first day that it will be warm enough to set up outside that we have seen in over a month. I just realized that in about 5 more days I will never have to set foot in a WallyWorld again. This is a good thing.

Amoids in Retrograde

Ok this post is two fold.

Here is the first fold:

Yesterday we set up inside the Walmart because it was all cold and such outside. The manager gave us our own special place by the entrance catty corner to the Walmart. I noticed a significant amount of Amish folk shopping in the Walmart which I found to be a little odd. I do not claim to know much about the Amish culture, but I just kind of assumed that shopping at Walmart did not really jive with their way of life. But stranger still I saw several groups of Amish sitting and dining at the McDonalds within the Walmart. Now this made the wires in my head start to fizzle and snap. And then it came to me. The only logical explanation. Amoids. Rebel Robotic Amish Androids are the the only logical explanation. Either that or some sort of invasion of the body snatchers scenario. But I like the android theory better so I am sticking to it.

Ok here is fold numero deuce:

Mercury is in retrograde. Lisa informed us that whenever this astrological event occurs, everything gets all wacky. Well after our evening we had to call her and ask if Mercury was in retrograde. Alas, we we're unable to obtain a suitable cell phone connection to have this conversation because apparently one of the effects of Mercury being in retrograde is all of the electronic devices get their panties in a bunch. But here are a few of the reasons we thought the stars may be getting all jiggy.

First off we had an old guy put our rep in a headlock today. That was just cool and isn't necessarily related in anything else in this post.

We had to go to three hotels before finding a suitable one. Started at a Motel 6 had gone as far as checking in, but forgot to ask if they had wi-fi. They did not, but had been kind enough to hook us up with the Jeffery Dahmer suite which had odd splotches all over the floor that we first thought were roaches, then to our relief realized were only dead hooker stains. We checked back out and went to the next hotel. They had a big banner advertising that they offered free breakfast AND a car wash with your stay. I asked if they had free wi-fi in the rooms, but alas they did not. They did offer dial up for 50¢ a call as long as you had your own provider and laptop. Now I'm no network administrator, but I'm pretty sure that translates into "We have a phone line out and we charge you 50¢ to use it." I saw a Holiday Inn across the street and said OK we are staying there I don't care how much it costs.

So we go check in and it turns our they are having a republican party in the ballroom. Undeterred we go to our room and it looks nice, big bed, clean couch, urine stains on the toilet seat... Wait back up a sec. Yep thats urine all over the toilet seat. Now I am not one to generally complain much, nor am I above wiping some piss off the seat. But I just paid $80 for a room and I don't think I should have to deal with it. So we decide to go to the bar and have a drink and I stop by the front desk and apologize for being "one of those people", but there's piss on our seat and maybe while we are in the bar they could have someone come by and wipe it off. The girl at the desk says she will will change our room. I tell her that's not necessary as that is just more hassle, just have someone pop in and wipe it down, no biggie. So we go have our drinks and Anilia gets a glass of water. We are sipping and chatting and simultaneously look down and realize that her glass is leaking a puddle that is slowly creeping it's way across the table. It was at this point Anilia put the call into Lisa to check on the retrograde status, but being positive her cell phone chose to reach for new levels of suckiness and not function well at all. So we leave the bar and stop by the republican ballroom as we heard they have a carboard cutout of Dubbya in there. The party has wrapped up and we ask the ladies cleaning up if Dubbya is still around for us to play with and maybe take some incriminating photos with. But we are too late, he is gone. We head back to the room expecting to find a sparkly clean toilet seat and to our chagrin it is in the same piss poor state. So Anilia goes back up to the desk to complain some more and this time accepts the relocation to a new room. It is just as nice as the last one and even has a clean toilet seat.

But I think there are some Ahmoids running around with a cardboard cutout of Dubbya looking for a McDonald's to base their revolution out of until this whole Mercury in retrograde thing blows over.