Mall Realizations

After spending a multitude of hours in the mall I have come to several realizations about life, the universe and everything.

1. I hate teenagers, it may comfort them to know this: None of you are cool, so please stop trying. It is just embarrassing to the species. You are all gangly, clumsy idiots. The sooner you embrace this fact, the better for all of us.
2. No matter where you go there are fat girls in belly shirts. This needs to stop. Seriously.
3. Even old conservative republicans who voted for Bush, now hate Bush. I only wish it was comforting to say I told you so.
4. Another note on teenagers. Get a life. Do you really have nothing better to do on a Sat night than walk or run around in circles in the mall until you get kicked out at closing and then hang out at the exit of the mall hoping some girl will have sex with you if you make fun of her? When I was a kid performed valuable learning exercises like the the combined effects of hallucinogens and bicycles.
5. I don't ever want to be the old guy who spends every day at the mall wandering around because he has no family and nothing else to occupy his time. Seriously if you see me wandering around the mall everyday when I am 80, please just shoot me.
6. Also if you ever see me dressed as a security guard at the mall, or walking around with a broom and a dustpan. Please shoot me, rush me to the hospital so they can resuscitate me. Make sure I have a pulse and then shoot me again.
7. I really do not know how any of these shops stay in business. They must all be fronts for some sort of mafia operation because they hardly ever have any customers. If the malls are any sort of indicator for the American economy at large I would sell all of your stocks and invest in China. In fact if the daily news is any sort of indicator I would recommend the same.
8. Did you know they now have electronic caricature artist machines? This is just creepy on some level. I'm not sure why. It just is.
9. OK, if your child is big enough to put it's feet down and bring the stroller you are pushing to a halt, it is time for their fat ass to get out and walk.
10. If your child is throwing themselves on the floor screaming and crying. Do not continue to stroll along window shopping and ignoring them while the rest of us have to endure their cries of misery. Please put your child up for adoption and shoot yourself. You are not fit to be a parent. I just saw you pushing him by two hours ago stuffing a soft pretzel, an ice cream and a soda in it's face. Now it is all cracked out on sugar and caffeine and suffering neurological damage from being forced to spiral around in the unholy vortex of a mall for three hours. Do not escalate things further by screaming at your kid. The child is having a perfectly normal and logical reaction to the fucked up situation you have placed it in. Please leave the mall, go get some fresh air and stop pumping your kid full of junk. Next time consider saving some money and going for a walk in the park, maybe look at some trees instead of half sized belly shirts that you simply do not belong in.

And this weeks fashion prize goes to the fat girl in flip flops and sweat pants brandishing the t-shirt emblazoned with the words "IF YOUR RICH, I"M SINGLE"!

P.S. No offense to all of the fat bottom girls out there. You are all beautiful in your own way. Unless your way involves a belly shirt, that's all I'm saying.

BLING BLING

BLING



Bling

2 years in the making

So My New Best Friend and I just celebrated 2 years of glorious wedded bliss. Really it has been awesome. We had a week off starting the day before our anniversary so we stayed up north a couple extra days and made a couple trips into NYC. We visited with my old bud "Dave the super drum bucket rabbi" and his wife Rita and their small offspring Ilana. They live in the east Village where all the cool stuff is anyway. So we checked out their apartment and Dave showed us his dunny collection. He also directed us to an all vegetarian Thai restaurant across the street from his house called PUKK. I had the protein duck and MNBF had something else. It was super delish!!! I also ordered the special gay martini and toasted to our cats. Yummy Yum Freshmmmm!

Afterwards we went back up to Dave and Ritas crib and gave Ilana a build a bear we made for her at the shop on 5th ave. Actually we made a build a cat and put one of those little baby laughing noise boxes in it, which are actually quite terrifying and not cute at all. But I knew Dave would appreciate it.

Then they took us to a place I can't remember the name of, but we were assured it had the best italian deserts. So we got some scrumptious little edible doo dads and proceeded to consume them heartily. Ilana just held on to hers forming a gelatinous mess in her little fingers while shouting "WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA" with every step. This is the preferred method of enjoying a scrumptious little doo dad for a toddler.

We then went to a performance a few blocks over at John Zorn's space The Stone and saw a quartet comprised of piano, cello, violin and drums. They proceeded to bend their instruments into perverse balloon animals and then drag them through a manic depressive ballerina's bad dream. It was an interesting display of "far out" classical jazz noise. The cello player was especially fun to watch as he was very cartoonish and several times it seemed that his head was going to explode. I think Anilia was actually terrified by him and is currently seeking therapy to work through this difficult trauma.

We wandered around the village some more and stopped for some coffee then called it a night and drove back to our hotel to be greeted by a bounding bouncy doggie.

Sunday was our actual anniversary and we headed back to NYC for the day, this time opting to take the bus instead of driving in.

We hopped the subway over to Canal street to tool around Chinatown. Somewhere along the way it became Little Italy and we stopped and had lunch in a nice little restaurant which also had very good food and not so bad house red wine. We then proceeded to wander around the city through SOHO and did a little shopping. I got a new pair of sketchers. They are blue and a soccer-bowling combo style. We wandered into some artists studio that was painted all up on the outside and I have to say the painted up outside was the best looking thing in the studio.


We wandered around for a while having no idea where we were and eventually ended up back over near Dave's apartment. We were accosted on the street by a struggling comic who convinced us to come into the basement of a club called the Lantern to watch a free show and drink $3 pints. So we did. It was OK some of the comics were pretty funny, others not so much but none of them sucked. Ok the last fat guy sucked but the rest were pretty good at the jokes. We continued our blind wandering in search of desert and ended up in a little coffee shop called Cafe Vivaldi.. I think. We had excellent Tiramisu. Also there was a quartet of piano, violin, brass clarinet and vocals performing some traditional Russian tunes which was very nice. That about wrapped up our anniversary in NY and we headed on back to our hotel.

Monday we drove back to Baltimore... TO BE CONTINUED.

People in the mall miss the sun.

People in the mall miss the sun.



We don big sunglasses in remembrance of the ball of furry than once simmered the sky above our heads.
Before we built it over with drywall.
Installed odd colored lighting and surround sound intercom dementia.
Dug tunnels underground to parade our silicone parts and wares.
Built digital displays of dysfunctional divas.



On Thursdays we gather round the grand food court to stare up through the glass at the sun.
We wait with tacos and pizza in hand.
We talk loudly into our cell phones.
Asking the sun where it has gone.
Why it has not called us back.
An emo boy checks his LED belt buckle for the weather forecast.
Wipes a greasy hand through tri colored hair and sighs.
A single string of cheese stretches from his hand down to hovering just above the floor.



It wavers back and forth in a dull stale breeze.



People in the mall miss the sun on our thirty minute lunch break.
Some stopped bothering to look a long time ago.
Others still hope, but give into their hunger and look down to eat instead.



Today it has snowed and the glass is smeared over with grey slushy disappointment.
Neman Marcus puts seasonal affective disorder on sale.
Free with the purchase of a single red shoe.
Women crumple their face into a glitzy handbag and trudge into the snow.
One foot in glossy red fashion.
One foot in the grey.
Sexy asses swaying in the icy past.
A mere moment ago.



People in the mall miss the sun as they head home at night.
But the sun has better places to go shopping than you.